Home pt. II

(I wrote pt. 1 of this post with the full intention of following up with this pt. 2 shortly after, which clearly did not happen. Oops.)

"The only constant in the chaotic shifting of life will be myself, and the roots I have firmly planted in the Lord."

These were some of my closing words in my previous post. (If you haven't read that post yet, it is linked here.) In this previous post, I shared my heart about how finding home within myself is something I am learning to be so important, but there is another large component of this that I left out. I need to find home and comfort in God as well.

My definition of home is, essentially, anything that makes me comfortable. When I am alone with none of the physical things I associate with "home," I am uncomfortable and afraid. This has led me to wonder -- am I comfortable with God?

To be completely honest, I sometimes feel that being "myself" with the Lord will not be an acceptable thing. There are moments when I feel that I have to become someone I am not in an attempt to prove that my life today is worthy of the sacrifice of His son thousands of years ago. But if He is my Creator, than He knows me even better than I know myself. He is a comfort beyond comforts, and yet I confine Him to being someone who cannot possibly be one for me. I am confining God to being someone who cannot possibly love the mess I see myself to be. If I cannot be comfortable alone with Michaela, how can I be comfortable alone with the Lord?

Answer: By admitting that I am afraid. Being alone is not comfortable, and I am afraid of being uncomfortable. I am afraid of the risk it takes to find deeper comfort in the Lord at the risk of being totally out of my comfort zone, even if just for a small season of life. I would much rather stick it out in what I perceive to be the "comfortable." But if I can admit that discomfort and a lack of "home" is terrifying to me, then I can change that, right? Isn't the first step to recovery admitting you have a problem?

Okay, so that may seem a little extreme, but hear me out.

I am absolutely petrified of being alone -- we've established this. Even though I know that God is genuinely all I need and more, I still run after different fleeting things to feel "full." I run to things outside of myself for meaning and worth, instead of placing my worth and comfort on the roots I have firmly planted in Him. I do not consider my "within" important enough, and I find myself restless and scared when the "without" changes.

In my previous post, I identified one of the places I find home as, "being surrounded by community." Philippians 2:1-2 says, "Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind" (emphasis added). It is so important, not only to be united as a body of believers in community, but also to be united to Christ, and as an individual. It is important to be united in self, but I cannot do that if I am not first united with the One who knows me best.

Without this personal unity to Christ, I will not find comfort. If I am not in the Spirit, I will have no tenderness or compassion for others, and most certainly not for myself. If I do not feel whole in Christ, I will not feel whole alone, and I will never be whole with others. I cannot be in true community, at home, with others if I am not in true community with the community maker Himself! My self-definition is not found in who others perceive me to be or tell me I am. It is found in Christ alone. He is my comfort, my home, and my identity above all else.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 27:1

So what is there to be afraid of? Not myself, and certainly not being alone! In the time that has passed since I published my last post and this one, I have learned a lot about myself, and I can confidently say that I have begun to find home in myself. But I have also learned to seek refuge in the Lord. And truly, what is there to fear when you have the Creator of the Universe on your side as a comfort to call home.