Dear Self

Today, I am thankful for my body. I have had quite a few conversations with friends recently about the concept of self and what our bodies do for us. It does so many amazing things, and yet I fear it more than I should.

In this current season of life, I have been dealing quite a lot with anxiety. As I have been learning to navigate this new part of my life, it has been hard for me to let other people in. Some days my body is my friend, and on others, it is my biggest enemy. Some days I simply have to call turmoil home. I have become so afraid of my body that I have forgotten how to celebrate it.

There is a quote I read somewhere that explains how our bodies are renewed every seven years. While it turns out that the time span of seven years in this cycle is a total myth, it is true that our bodies are constantly changing. Daily, our bodies are shedding dead cells and replenishing them. Though the exact time span of this cycle is unknown, one day your body will be one you have never known before. One day you will have a body that has never been touched by all the people who hurt you. One day you will have a body that is not hurting from what crushes you now.

God has specifically designed our bodies to make themselves new -- not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. We are creatures designed for redemption! We are made for change.

And yet, in this season of learning about my own anxiety, I have become fearful of my body. I cannot always tell when something will make me anxious, so I will make myself spiral into worry when I would have otherwise been fine. The physical symptoms of anxiety in my body are often scarier to me than the thoughts that accompany those moments. Instead of learning about myself, I have coped by attempting to ignore my body. I thought that maybe if I ignored it all, it would go away. But instead, my body has fought back louder and harder than before, and I am forced to believe that something is deeply wrong with me.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:14

Despite my own doubt, I am wonderfully made. The Creator of the Universe, who makes no mistakes, has created me with purpose. I am His work. I am wonderful. He knows me! He knows exactly what my body is doing and why, even when I don't understand it myself. He knows my anxiety triggers when I cannot anticipate them. And yet how often do I actually live into that knowledge "full well?" Do I believe myself to be known, loved, and made new?

I have been created with a body that physically renews itself with each moment, and yet somewhere along the lines I disconnected this from how I understand myself. Anxiety is not linear. It is not something you can measure out or that takes a specific formula to overcome. In the same way, our bodies are not linear. They are not always directly understood, and they certainly cannot be controlled. I do not have conscious control over the shedding and renewal of my physical cells. It is a renewal that comes simply by means of what my body has been created to do all on its own. I need to be gentle with my body and just let it be exactly as it needs to be.

So for the days when my nerves are fried and anxiety sings over me like a jealous captor, may I remember that my darkness has been defeated, and in my body alone I hold the light that can wash it all away. What a precious gift I have been given to exist in this world! May I always use this body to praise the One who created it.

"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light..."

Ephesians 5:8

So for today I will live boldly in this skin I have been given, because I am determined not to let anxiety rule in what has been made for the glory of the Lord. Today, I am a child of light. Today, I am more than a conqueror through the power of my Father (Rom. 8:37). Today, the Lord is my light and my stronghold. Whom shall I fear? (Ps. 27:1). Today, I will be filled with joy, because weeping tarries only for the night (Ps. 30:5). Today, I will be silent and I will let the Lord fight my anxieties for me (Ex. 14:14). Today, and every day after this, I will be still, because He is God (Ps. 46:10). He is Lord of all -- my mind, spirit, and body alike.

Today, I am thankful for my body.