Dear Michaela

Dear Michaela,

I know you probably don’t want to hear anything you are about to type, but writing has always been a good outlet for you. What better way to start processing all that you are feeling than by writing to the person who needs to hear it most – you.

These first two weeks of school have not been the easiest. A shooting down the street and a campus lockdown only one week apart were definitely not what you expected for coming back to campus. You just weren’t prepared. But how could you be? You feel defeated. Exhausted. Inadequate. Alone. You know that none of these words are true, but these feelings are just too real to shake. And somehow you feel like God let you down.

“Be as strong as you can. Be as pissed as you want.”

You received these words from a family member reaching out in response to some tragic events a few months ago, but they have not lost their power over you.

Right now, you don’t feel very strong. And right now, you are angry as hell. You are angry and heartbroken at the state of our nation, the state of this world, at the sickness and cowardice that causes people to act out in violence. Your hope is tired. Your heart feels like it is gasping for air. These past few weeks have brought a lot of brokenness. But don’t you dare make light of that by putting a spin on the situation. Keep learning here how important it is to leave room for grief. You are not responsible for anything more than staying present in pain, with yourself and with the people around you who are hurting.

I am so proud of you. You are learning things about yourself that you are realizing need to be healed, and you are only able to do this because pain is becoming comfortable. There is nothing wrong with that. It is unrealistic to believe that pain and grief do not exist and that you will always be comfortable.

You don’t have to pretend to be okay. Right now, you don’t feel very strong. And right now, you are grieving. Stop buying into the lie that we have to be put together all the time. We live in a society that does not seem to hold space for grief, at least not for very long. We are not allowed to be real and raw and vulnerable. So what are we supposed to do when our bodies grieve and we don’t even know it? When your heart is exhausted but the world demands that you push through anyway? I know that you do not feel like you are even allowed to grieve right now. The reasons for this pain do not feel valid. But hear this: you are not cheating others of their grief, stealing emotions that should belong to someone else, or hurting in ways that don’t actually apply to you. No one has a singular claim to grief. It is not owned or monopolized by one grieving person. Grief certainly does not ever come in the ways we expect. I am just proud of you for learning to recognize what this process of feeling even is.

So it is okay to cry on your bathroom floor on the fourth day of classes. It is perfectly allowable to stop breathing when your school gets put into lockdown. Don’t beat yourself up about these things.

I know you feel gloomy and small sometimes. I know inadequacy has been creeping out of backwards thoughts and into your hurting heart recently. I know you are tired, physically and emotionally. You feel like you are missing a part of yourself, and can’t seem to figure out what it is.

I think I might have an answer. But first you need to stop trying to fill that missing part in other ways. Stop filling up your schedule so much you don’t even have the free time to think. Stop running to your relationships to pick up your broken pieces. Stop comparing yourself to everyone on social media. Just stop and realize that maybe it is not about God letting you down, but you letting yourself down. Be honest. Your expectations weren’t for God. They were for yourself. But you do not have to bring yourself through this.

Let grace fill you and your every moment. It is only grace that can bring you through this. Only the goodness and patience and sufficiency and overwhelming love of Jesus. In this disappointment, be reminded of your need for grace. Be slow with yourself. You need the time. You are growing. Let it be Jesus that sustains you here, not yourself. You are free to be here.

Sincerely,

Michaela